Roofs and their Dangers

Roofs are elevated locations. Falls from said places generally result in injury. Although I sometimes partied on roofs as a teen, I am no longer indestructible. I saw a man working on a roof right after a rain recently. This is an obvious no-no unless one has a very large life insurance policy. One time I was wire-brushing bits of moss off my front porch roof. A new neighbor yelled "Don't fall!" at the top of his lungs. I steadied myself, got my bearings, took a deep breath and thanked him for looking out for me. I was rattled for approximately one hour and I'm considering performing this task at night in the future. I know several people who are very nonchalant about walking on roofs. Apparently there is some bravado involved and I stand mute when I observe it to avoid possible wraith. However, ask yourself: "Do I have a body like a squirrel?". Nature gave us bipedal motion, not hyper-tree jumper motion. Think about it- especially in wet or winter conditions. Apparently the man below did not.

Nature does its Own Thing

People talk about "training" plants- please!  I planted Clover seeds under a tree 20 years ago. None came up there at all, but to this day, cute little baby clovers are still coming up in flower beds all around it. Ever notice how well a clump of grass grows in a spot where you don't want it? How it rhizomes out underneath bricks and what have you- ignoring the bare spot in the other direction? (Don't worry that insidious evil known as turf grass will get it's very own post in the future). What about the Clematis that grows better up the gutter than the nice trellis you bought it? Human efforts to "train" flora do not inspire any gratitude in most species. A "climbing" rose that prefers a drunken lean over the driveway tore my shirt a couple days ago. When I turn my back, our tomatoes grow sideways to elude the fancy red hoop cages we thought they'd like. Forget-Me-Not is one of the few fun rebels, springing up in a surprise locale seasonally. Lastly, I will turn to my efforts to grow vines over a passage next to the garage.  Despite years of cajoling and pruning, the wild grape and Virginia Creeper prefer the roof. Adding insult to injury, they now grope my gorilla sculpture, who recently had a squirrel steal one of his eyes.

Maligned Great Ape

Forget Me Not

Never-Kink Hoses and other Mularky

I'm no fool, but I've lost track of how many garden hoses I've bought that weren't supposed to kink. Of course it's a challenge to find receipts, the little cardboard "warranty" and remember where it was purchased. That's how they "hose" you silly. Now there's a new hose that looks like a scrunchy, makes a lot of promises and adds postage and "handling". Nope- not gonna fall for it until they hit the regular stores. I got a new-fangled closed end wrench that was supposed to work on countless sizes of nuts. Well, nuts I was- I caught the little monster chewing up the first thing I tried to use it on. At least it looks cool hanging on the pegboard next to the basement stairs- kind of space-age/ hipster. I thought I was slick buying a 100 foot extension cord for the electric mower I got for half-price at an outlet mall. The dang thing hides in the grass that's un-mowed like a drunk python! I've only run over it once, but it takes an awful lot of wrangling to keep from tangling. Also, I feel like an octopus with no brain getting it out and back in the garage. Don't even mention those reel things- I don't need any more gizmos. I strongly recommend buying two 50 footers and only using both when absolutely  necessary.  If any of my readers know how to keep the belt from shifting on a belt sander, please enlighten me. Sometimes I buy something I need for one big job and then stare at it for years. I have a nice tool-belt I got for roofing our first house. It really was useful, but I've been hard pressed to find another occasion. I even briefly considered Halloween. I will conclude with the subject of glue(s). I have a serious collection. One has a man with big muscles on the label, another has one of the great apes that Dian Fossey hung out with on the mother continent.They make alot of claims, but I've been around just long enough to see things come apart again anyway. My favorite thing about glue is discovering the one you need has become solid as a rock.

This Cold House

Old houses have their charms. They can also chill to the bone. In our first home we had a wood-burning stove from Vermont.  It kept us cozy even in a winter so frigid the back stoop light bulb shattered. It had the kind of storm windows they slapped on the outside with a few screws, no caulk and called it a day. As I noted previously, the builders used newspapers (1910) for mock insulation. The first winter in our current house, we had drafts which meteorologists would classify as "gales". The original windows were tall,  very thin and played optical tricks with sunlight. As if on cue, at our first multi-generational Thanksgiving, the furnace died. The individual who was supposed to repair it made a series of clanging noises in the basement and then informed the clan that a locking seal had been placed on it. This "yakster" then conjured up the bill, said they would fix it in a few days (!) and vanished like an apparition. Please note this was a very cold November. So, we had a Donner party type vote to choose: death by freezing or gas inhalation? We elected to break the seal, crack a window at the top of the back staircase and say small, ecumenical prayers prior to slumber. In the morning, I literally pinched myself before rising.

We can Rebuild it

A similar line was used in the Bionic Man and Woman series in the 70's and I always wanted an excuse to repeat it. In a previous post, my readers saw a photo of the asian themed portion of our garden.  Several acquaintances have requested I call it a "Zen Garden". I have been to zen gardens in Japan and their predecessors in China. Frankly, it pales in comparison. However, we do enjoy it and when a storm snapped the dwarf red maple in half and ruined the reed fencing, I said "We can rebuild it". I had fun the first time around using bamboo posts, but this time it needed to be bionic!  Lethal wolmanized posts in concrete, taller bamboo panels, a cement lantern and stainless steel screws! Nature may bat last, but I was aiming to get a few more years out of my blood, sweat and tears this time around. Actually, I think it lasted about 20 years, but you know how time "speeds up" as we age! Take a gander at the new model below.

Bionic Asian Garden

Glass Panes are a Pain

Glass is beautiful and allows light to enter homes. It is also fragile. The replacement of a glass pane requires both care and dexterity. I am highly skilled with a sledge hammer. Our current home had eleven (11) cracked window panes when we took possession. We decided to spend the cash to have a friend do them all, to prevent a million dollar heating bill that winter. Luckily, since then I have had to replace only a few. Once a garage door pane fell out and shattered. I bought glass, got home and snapped it taking it out of the kraft paper. So, when I returned to the hardware store, I bought two. Now I have an extra, but don't recall where I put it!  My worst experience occurred when we owned our house, but the renters still had 6 months on their lease. One day the mom of the family called to say her youngest daughter forgot her key and broke in the basement door. She requested I instruct the teen on how to replace the pane, to "teach her a lesson". I almost told her that I barely knew how myself!  In the photo below the offending culprit is the one closest to the doorknob.

Pretty panes cause pain

Landscaping experiments II

In one of our side yards I have an ongoing series called "Famous Buildings of the World". These are various minature mock-ups of edifices such as the Eiffel Tower, Stonehenge, Mesa Verde, the Dome of the Rock, Big Ben, etc. I almost put this post in my art blog, but my mother asked me to show people only my best art. Many are laughable, but that is the point of the exercise. Over twenty years or so some were destroyed by storms and others attacked by squirrels. To be honest, Big Ben kind of collapsed on its own. I sporadically add monuments when the spirit moves me.The Taj Mahal and Statue of Liberty are currently under construction in the basement. Below are a photo of my godson Balduin assisting me many years ago and a shot from another period in the series.

Stone age Communication

There are many new ways to reach out. These include twitter and snapchat. I don't play that way. When asked about facebook, I say "maybe when I retire". My gal wants me to start a pinterest page and the next time I am actually bored I may attempt this technological feat. Here at the homestead we love to reuse items which alot of folks would discard. My lady works at a university and they were getting rid of a large chalkboard. Chalk is made from stones. We decided to put it on the front porch for friends to write us notes. Over time passers-by began to use it as well. It has gotten to be so much fun that now I periodically take a photo for posterity. Below is the latest incarnation.

Halloween Fun

Since it's May I thought I'd write a post on Halloween decorating. It will serve to show that not all things are a calamity at the H. H. homestead and also to be obstreperous. We have several skeletons outside and skull masks inside which are year-round fixtures. These don't count as projects, they are merely part of the scenery. For several years, I covered a topiary of a child with a sheet to make it ghostly. We also had a life -size, store bought Grim Reaper which greeted guests for a couple of Halloweens. However, every few years we go all out and create a full blown display for the All Hallow's Eve season. One year my gal came up with the idea of Halloween scarecrows. Using a bale of straw, some fabric candy bags and thrift store clothes we created a couple out for a stroll with their pooch. Compliments about our work came in several forms, but the best was whenever a neighborhood dog barked at the trio!

Is it a Yard or a Garden?

In colloquial American English a yard is a simpler affair, but seems to require more tidiness. As my readers know, neatness is one of my weak spots. I often hear acquaintances mention "cleaning up the yard". As my neighbors must know, I feel as though life is too short for sweeping the sidewalk immaculately, for example. Some folks even use a hose and blast the cement until its perfect!  I don't call the lot surrounding our house a garden because it's high-falutin'. Using the term has the added benefit of reduceing the level of upkeep. One of the first things we did was eliminate 9/10ths of the lawn, on the front, sides and back. By changing things to a "natural" look over time. we reduced the shock to our  neighbors and pedestrians (psychologists refer to this as "conditioning"). Later,  I invented a technique called "selective weeding". This means that if something we like comes up, such as a violet, we incorporate it into the bed design. If it's invasive, ugly or too outrageous to get away with, then we dig it up. Sometimes I let the Autumn leaves over-winter on the beds. If asked, I refer to them as "Nature's blanket" for the frigid season. Today I got a random call from a lawn pesticide company. I assured them that we don't have a need for their services. In keeping with a woodland theme there are some trails which are also low maintenance. Probably the well kept part of the property is an Asian themed section. For some reason keeping this in order is pure pleasure. However, even here I may miss a dandelion or two!

Animals Among Us II: dead things

Dead animals, their nests, etc. are generally easier to deal with than the living version, but there have been exceptions. It is not unusual to find a dead mouse when renovating an old house and I feel lucky I have never found a dead rat. Yesterday, I found a chipmunk in a rain barrel which had drowned and was 2x normal size. That freaked me out a little bit and I will spare the reader the rest of the details. In our first house an enormous dead yellow jacket nest was found inside a living room wall. The guy replacing some damaged drywall called me in and there it was, perhaps 5x5 feet in size,  four inches thick and wedged between the inner and outer wall. It was abandoned, perhaps sealed in with a good caulking job on the exterior. To us it seemed a miracle, because if active, the nest would have released hundreds of the small wasps many call "bees" directly into our midst. Once when I was about twelve, a pet newt escaped from an aqua-terrarium. I mourned, recovered and forgot it existed. The following spring, cleaning behind a cast iron radiator,  I found a mummy newt!  My brothers and I thought it was cool, but it bummed my mom out, so I buried it in the backyard.  In 2007, in our current home, an old mouse nest caught fire inside the wall next to our fireplace. It's presence was unknown to us and the resulting fire put us out of our house for 4 months (an ordeal- don't ask).  On a lighter,  but still unpleasant note: shortly after buying a house my friend had an awful skunk smell emanating from a  concrete slab poured by the previous owner. Rest assured- it did not smell this way when he purchased the home. This was in an area they had completely filled in, connecting the house with the porch. In the end it had to be broken up and revealed an entombed skunk. Apparently, it was alive when the cement was poured and had begun decomposing.  Dead or alive, the scent of our most beloved member of the weasel family is indeed a powerful thing!

Tool Care and Repair

I am adding this topic because I am good at it. It is also one of the few things I can feel at all superior about, so there. Tool care was an obvious no-brainer  prior to our present throwaway culture. Now there are even stores which specialize in cheap tools that don't last. Conversely, I savor antique and odd tools, some which were passed down from our families' rural roots. My mom turned me on to Naval Jelly when I was a kid and we saved some steel tools from the landfill. It's disgusting scary stuff, but the results can be amazing. I try to spray the "business end" of gardening tools  with wd-40 before I put them in the garage for the winter. I sand and stain the wood on old long-handled tools. I still have aluminum cased 1950's power tools from my Grandpa- they scare me too much to use them, but they are so pretty! To me a tool is sort of an extension of the body and it has to be in good shape to feel right. I don't have money to blow,  so I figure out methods to repair equipment that many would view as overboard or perhaps creative. My gal is urging me to use recent examples of my wacky work, so here goes. The photo below is the recently repaired "leg" of a plastic Garden cart.

Glue, Plumber's tape and stainless steel bolts

On Being "Handy" (and dissuading others from following my lead)

I know it's a complement when folks tell me I'm "handy" but it's not the case. I believe they may be conflating the sheer volume of my attempts at home repair with some illusion I'm successful. I do not put on airs and rest assured I know handy when I see it. A fair segment of our male friends chose to go into a trade or one of the manual arts. Many of them are quite skillful and have thoroughly enjoyed my sporadic, discombobulated attempts to join their ranks. I only claim any level of mastery with shovels. I am also decent with rakes and brooms. I will close with an infrequent but terrifying scenario suggested  by the occasional party-goer at our home. They propose that their friend or spouse get guidance from me on a project !  Below is an analogy to this provided with the permission of a super cartoonist:

http://www.matthewdiffee.com/

Measurement

Measurement in home repairs needs to be precise. I don't do precision. I do creative, wacky, original, fun.  Even accurate is a challenge and certainly never exact.
I measure 3x and cut wrong. I am also a little shaky when I cut a "straight" line with tools such as reciprocating or circular saws. Apparently, getting the knack requires regular use and as previously stated I generally avoid power tools. Due to all these constraints, I compensate by cutting things slightly larger than needed. The rationale is as follows: if cut too short, a piece of lumber, metal or roofing material may become useless, while a slightly longer section can be wedged in (caveman style) or whittled down by hand!

Levels are fun. but I often get so carried away that I forget to use them. Plumb bobs are really cool but I mainly just play with them during breaks in the action. I got pretty good at using chalk lines when a friend helped me re-roof our first house in the late 80's. In the backyard of our current domicile I made a four posted "Love Arbor" with bench for my lady. Years later, while a buddy was helping me build the tree-house, he took a level to that structure. He then categorically stated there was nary a level surface anywhere on it!

Power Tools I

Overrated and expensive, I tend to shun power tools when I can. Anything using gasoline, motors or electricity has the tendency to be dangerous, loud or both. I have a penchant for hand tools, in part because the injuries incurred tend to be more minor. I also feel more strong when I use them and this can boost my ever waning confidence a little. When I dig a big hole to plant a tree,  I feel like a king! If I can, I substitute a feared power tool with a less scary one. For example- after replacing almost all our lawn with garden beds, I now use an electric mower for the small area which is still grass. Why would I rest easier now you ask? Well... as a young teen I was preparing to clean the clogged up underside of our power mower. As always, thinking SAFETY FIRST! I needed to unplug the spark plug. However, the 4 stroke motor was still "chugging" along.  The sketch below crudely portrays my horizontally zapped experience.

Blogger Magic I

Somehow Blogger erased my oldest post which also included a photo of our tree-house. Henceforth, I will call these occurrences "magic". Luckily, most of that post was an intro that is summarized in the paragraph above my picture at right. While I'm at it I will share the story of that mini-portrait. When we were in Japan in the mid-90's there were photo booths which produced a page of tiny stickers, about the size of a stamp.  There was a choice  of animated backgrounds, so of course, as a gardening fan I chose flowers. I will post another photo of the tree-house again below:

Sculptures waving are Junior (inside) and George (on deck).

Animals Among Us I

If you look up animal control outfits, all sorts of cute names will be found. However, the experience of fauna residing in one's home is, for the most part, not cute. Due to the sheer number and magnitude of tales in this category, I'll use multiple posts with bite-size entries. I will also begin with a relatively benign example to "break in" the reader prior to the more harrowing tales.
While installing a new roof on our first home, I noticed an animal-made opening between the original roof line and the '70's era dormer addition. My assisting friend and I came to the consensus that it was a raccoon or skunk sized entrance. He had a friend with a Havahart trap and I had a can of sardines. So I carefully placed the trap and open can of sardines on the roof near the opening at dusk.  After a critical misstep and another sardine purchase, I did  eventually catch a huge raccoon. However, on the first night I naively left the ladder  leaning on the back of the house. Due to this, in the morning I discovered I had captured the neighbor's cat!

Landscaping Experiments I

I attempt interesting landscape design projects in my garden which I call "experiments". Not meant to offend, these are an outgrowth of my teen years spent as a groundskeeper on an estate on the east coast. Though only about 4 acres in size it included a rose garden, animal shaped topiaries, long hedges, arbors, etc. About ten years ago I planted a Forsythia on either side of the sidewalk out front. My "experiment" was to grow and shape them into a single archway for pedestrians. Over time it began to come along fairly nicely. One day, on arriving home, I noticed a ticket shaped paper attached to our screen door. We often have errant painters and such leaving trash attached to our house, so I almost discarded it. Lo and behold!  It was a threat, caused by some ninny who complained, from the city's "Community Standards" folks. Remove this "Danger" or face $75 a day fines!

 Gutters Demystified

Many assume that gutter installation is child's play, but I can assure you it is not. The pros reel off any length from an extruder-type gizmo and then have two pairs of hands to secure it. The schmos, like me, have to buy unwieldy 10 foot lengths, strap them on the roof of their ride and juggle them alone! Older systems use 7 inch spikes, which are giant aluminum nails- strange at best, lethal at worst. Gutter seams have to be caulked, the sections overlapped in the proper order and the entire length of each "run" needs an accurate slope to drain correctly. I did OK on our first house- I was in my 20's and more on the ball. However, when I discovered the (detached) garage of our present house had no gutter, I was over-confident and ten years more absent minded. So, while I successfully assembled and attached the "buggers", I completely spaced out the concept of slope. I must now add the fact that this gutter is directly below very large Mulberry tree (see tree-house picture- that's it). Following a big summer thunderstorm, I went up on the garage roof to deal with some dead branches. There seemed to be an awful lot of insect activity over by the back edge. I thought- what the heck is that  about? Looking over the edge I saw a plethora of yellow jacket wasps alighting on a a gutter filled with Mulberry soup!

Blog Name Changes

So many posers had my original blog name ( Hapless Homeowner) that google would alter "Owner" to "Oner" when I would try to send folks the link .... pretty onerous right? Then I tried "Hopeless" but that's a drag and untrue. I've settled on "Happily Hapless" and  hope no-body horns in on this one. It may send my (soaring) stats back to 0, but I have to be the one and only, right? I also dropped the previous subtitle, "DIY Disaster" which I enjoyed and dreamed would garner me more search its due to the DIY, but it started to be cumbersome ( even to me).  All this also helps to prove how hapless I really am anyway!

Supply Runs I
A trip to a big box store for a critical part once led to a nightmare of wandering in a maze with goblins chasing me. I have provided training to some of their employees who know less than I do! These chains also drop items which don't sell "enough". I stopped getting bummed out when clerks say "They don't make that anymore". I translate it as "You'll have to go to another store or find it online". I am willing to pay more at our real hardware store to maintain sanity and consistency.They often know more than I do and I can learn something useful. Finally, they really enjoy my wacky misadventures and share them with co-workers. This brightens their day and teaches me humility. I learned long ago to always bring the actual part- if it's dirty, greasy,etc. I now put it in a zip-loc so it doesn't stain the carpet in my car. I try to incorporate an errand which is sure to be successful into each trip in case the main effort turns fruitless. Lunch on the way can be fun, but avoid beer and other drinks. One time I went to lunch with some big guys who helped me build my deck. We had lunch and beer and I had a nap when we got back to my place.

Friendly advice
For some folks, giving advice to neighbors and friends about repairs is a near hobby. I have erred in this myself when a brother was building his home by a lake. Unless it targets the solution to a specific problem it is generally unhelpful or simply boring. Now, when an acquaintance plays the
role of "peanut gallery", I simply nod over and over until they depart. However, sometimes the trouble maker has a good point and I integrate it into my plans. I'll close with a semi-tangental story which may amuse the reader. One day some neighborhood kids, home-schooled in a religious sect, placed rocks from my garden onto the lawn which badly needed mowing. Luckily,  a friend installing our porch ceiling mentioned that some youth were "playing in the yard" that day. This and my mom's childhood direction to "always police the yard" alerted me to an alteration in the landscape. In the absence of these tips,  their rock "redesign" would have been catastrophic when I mowed!

Project Timelines
I not only feel uncomfortable with them, I generally ignore or forget timelines. Under spousal pressure I once threatened a "strike". On our first house, in the Spring-time, a friend asked the probable length of prep and painting the exterior: I guesstimated a month might do the trick.The following Summer I got the first coat on. The expression "Painting is all in the prep" applies triple here. One side of the (1910) home had dry rot and the other wet rot. Not only did lower siding have to be replaced, but wood further in as well. Various species of animals ensconced within delayed matters, but I will devote several future posts to experiences with fauna in great detail. Finally, the folks who built the home thought newspaper was insulation and this further impeded my progress. I had to break in order to read any news I found that was of interest.

somewhat safe

possibly lethal

Ladders I
My general rule of thumb for ladders is the shorter the better. Although I am not afraid of heights, ladders are scary. Surprisingly, I actually have many ladders.  Most of these take the form of the usual- step stools, step ladders and three sizes of extensions. The longest extension (28 feet) frightens me so much I hide it under the front porch. That way I only remember it when I absolutely need it. Honestly, I have looked up at a dead branch in a gutter (house is tall and narrow) and wondered how will I get that thing down?
On top of a full compliment of "regular" ladders I also have several odd short ones I use to screw in art to the walls of a neighborhood bakery, bunk bed versions decorating our tree-house,links from the garage roof to the tree house and a curved model from a scrapyard for fun. The reader may be thinking- Why on earth would a person who is afraid of ladders have more than they need? Simply put, ladders are not only very useful tools, they have a mystical quality. Call it a bridge - connecting or allowing for greater possibilities.
One time I had to install a 25 foot Chinese dragon bas-relief sculpture on the outside wall of a futon shop. Knowing my proclivities for error/disaster, I requested an employee stand  the base of the ladder. He later said "You wanted me to keep it steady, right?". To which I answered "No, I figured if I fell, I would fall on you and survive".

Painting I
Painting is fun because the effects/ impact can be very striking. This is even true of sloppy paintwork, for which no reader should try to compete with the author. I thought about including "rules" in the blog, for fun and warning(s). If I had, rule #1 would have been- Don't  try to copy or reenact any events depicted within this blog- my mistakes are very ugly! One time I carefully laid out a single layer of sheets on the floor of our first basement to prepare to paint the walls. I then whirled like a dervish and kicked the open gallon paint can- Jackson Pollack style. My quick wit led to the conclusion that the floor could be painted first after all! I was painting in an actually rational process of high-middle-low, as in ceiling first then walls, etc. The sheet which had acquired the most paint was transformed into a new painting tool I dubbed "The Swab". Amazing how quick it is to paint a floor when you throw a gallon down! Even on small paint jobs I am so prone to spills that I sometimes drape a drop-cloth over my whole person like a giant bib as I paint a small object by hand.

Electrical Work I
If possible avoid it. Electricity is dangerous. When it's required I shut off the main breaker. This has the added joy of the need to reset all the digital clocks ( stove, microwave....) which will now be blinking 12:00 incessantly. More on "phantom" appliance costs later. I have fond  memories from early childhood of my parents yelling up and down two flights of stairs while replacing Buss fuses. It struck me then as a near war level of teamwork and excitement. I once "tested" a newly installed outlet with an iron and actually jumped for joy when I burned my finger! I now use a clock radio so I can hear if it works from the basement breaker panel. Finally, we have a collection of assorted light timers. Some work, some don't and others we lost the instructions. We found that some models appear to work, even emanating a pleasant humm and then fail to fulfill their purpose of turning the light on and off!

PLUMBING I
Plumbing is tricky. Even if all the parts are assembled properly it can still leak- plumber's putty and teflon tape are artistry. I tell my gal that I can do simple projects, but it may leak when I'm "done". It's actually been exciting to take something apart with the possibility I may not get it together again. At times I just do my 95% and then call a pro to stop the leak I've created.
I once had a plumber arrive late in the process above, very drunk. He sat on the edge of the tub, looked at the toilet and said "You can do that, you can finish it". He proceeded to walk out and drive away surprisingly well. I called the dispatcher and explained it was cool with me, but if the whole scenario was repeated with the next customer they might really be upset.
Youtube tutorials have revolutionized the DIY (do it yourself) world and I appreciate them greatly for both their educational and entertainment value. I will lampoon them in a general way in a future post.
My late dad had a great respect for plumbers and felt they deserved every penny they earned. By watching them I learned to use a bucket and plenty of rags, ignore the strange smells and to be as strict about turning everything off as electricians are with their systems. One time I was walking between two parts of a project and sensed a sound... I thought do I hear water running? Because I raced as the Flash would a bucket was enough to stem the flow, if I had not or if there was no bucket there it would have been a DIY disaster.